It was terrifying, embracing the demon inside.
It was an insatiable desire, a void that opened into an endless pit.
A hollowness beyond human understanding, even the host often lost track.
It was an unending thirst, that even a river flowing into its bossom quenched not.
A hunger no feast could satisfy, the sophisticated shameless yet self-satisfying kind that no mortal mind could fathom.
It remained a catastrophic metaphor, unclear yet plain to see
Teasing the mind with the unthinkable, yet the heart throbbed with desire.
Soon bowing to the longing of the flesh, but exposed to the vulnerability of regret.
The heart bled with desire, but the mind flirted dangerously with caution.
Guts prevailed over reason, eyes locked with passion as the blood charged with rejuvenated motivation.
The mind locked out till the light of day.
When the voice of reason appealed to the great council of desire and immeasurable passion. A moment of great reckoning, an opportunity to embrace a new dawn.
It is morning, a new day has come. Yesterday is gone, tomorrow is not promised! So we live today, as if it was the last. Because, what if it was? Would it gladden your heart, how it was lived?
Change hurts, atleast before we grow into it and get assimilated to its deepest desires. Sometimes, change feels good, mostly at the beginning just before the consequences and aftermaths start setting in. More often than not we wish to fall back to our previous behaviour or habitat, more or less a niche. It begins to feel like we are foreigners in a strange land. We begin to get homesick, except it is nostalgia for a cocoon we had long outgrown. We miss the falsehood of the camouflaged warmth that had been suffocating and limiting.
It is only when we embrace the realities of our new life, the change we chose , that we begin to see things differently and experience a newness that drinks us in and fills us with fulfilment. Until the next urge and drive to change again sets in and the cycle continues. It is no wonder they say change is inevitable. One way or the other one must outgrow an adaptation and conform to a new one. It is a cycle that is linier.
I, for one, have undergone this inevitable process and i can attest without fear of contradiction, that it hasn’t been easy. I must say I have been lucky and entirely fortunate ever since I graduated from college. I was already a mother by then and that is another change story we might encounter in this manuscript. After doing various odd jobs, that most graduate wouldn’t even consider, And unpaid internships that greatly shaped my career, I finally landed a nice job. It is a fun job since I am still in it currently. I have persued a bachelors degree in Journalism and Mass Communication and getting a job in an actual media house was scary at first then it became more fun as I got assimilated. So much change was happening and it almost drowned me. I had a consistent salary, a respectable job and my baby girl was now in the official education system, not to mention my love life!
Since I am quite inconsistent in my resolve to write, I am experiencing a great surge of words and things I want to write. I will therefore focus on the change I am anticipating at the moment. After acquiring a nice job that brought with it a new environment, new friends, freedom and a regular flow if income, I started living the kind of life that I had always envisioned should I get to such a point in my life. Having ousted myself from the teenage life and the excitement of young campus babes, I felt like I had really missed out on the partying and carefree living. That was number one in my bucket list for when I finally got a chance. At 25, finally that “opportunity” presented itself. My daughter was already a big girl now and I could leave her at my parents’ when schools closed. It was partying and numerous road trips for me. That was yet another element of change. I had no idea what that kind of life really entailed. I only had Instagram images in my head. It was a great shock when I got to know the immorality behind the lens of the cameras that took those Instagram images. I really wasn’t ready for it, although it took me various road trips and drinking sprees to realise that life wasn’t for me. In less than a year, I was back to the drawing board. Trying to figure out who I was, what my hobbies were and exactly what I stood for. Usually, we fail to realize just how much influence in structuring our thoughts and behaviour, the people we hang out with have. During that short-lived period of throwing myself out there, various unseen changes had been happening to me unconsciously. I unlearned and learned things simultaneously. The challenge is I had absolutely no control over whether or not these changes would affect me positively or negatively. For one, they made me have a little less respect for marriage. I also developed a critical mindset on the aspect of the existence of true love. Those experiences also, made me like the noise and hullabaloo that came with having drinking buddies. And that ushered in the cocoon that I am currently struggling to get out of. After securing a job and acquiring new friends who have absolutely no idea about your past not to mention your personality, you get a brand new chance of restructuring yourself. We got to know each other over time and established whose vibe sits well with your company. And finally the lines were drawn with almost everyone falling in line as though the sorting of personality traits was physical. I also fell in line with the circle I felt I belonged to. At the beginning, we were just having fun and keeping busy. Then we started calling it drinking away the stress on weekends and within no time we were regulars at a joint at any random day of the week. We moved swiftly, almost unnoticeably, from friends to drinking buddies. We took turns to buy the drinks. By then I had a baby because I had a small baby and also because I could afford it. (Previously, when in college, I used to take my firstborn baby to a daycare. So that meant I had to be home early and on weekends for the household chores). Having a househelp on the other hand meant i could stay out late and also that I could go out on weekends. This new change caused a major earthquake in my bank account and a chronic absenteeism as a parent. My spouse (we are not officially married yet and I usually have a problem with finding the right word to refer to him) was barely there and I was functioning as a single mum who had a husband abroad. He was still in the country just that logistics didn’t allow him to be there. That meant the kids were mostly under the care of the nanny since whenever I wasn’t at work, I was out with the boys. I like hanging out eith men because somehow I end up falling out with my girlfriends, I must be the problem. It became a norm to come home drunk. We used to look for reasons to go drinking. Sometimes we used to go get the boys a shave then end up drinking just because we have set eyes on our joint and there was absolutely no way we could ignore that. It was awesome at the beginning, but with time it started taking a toll on me. I had no time for prayer and that meant I had no time for self reflection. My soul was slipping away and leaving a void full of echoes, uncertainty and self loath. I was missing out on my daughters growth and I was most definitely overstretching the duties of the nanny. It got worse when I even went out till late while my Man stayed in to look after the babies. He was pissed about it of course especially having to watch me staggering while holding our 8-month-old baby during the wee hours of the night. His speech the following morning was like my wakening call. He had called me out definitely and it made me realize just how much my choices would affect us as a family. As I said, change is uncomfortable and it hurts. My decision to conform wasn’t easy. It still isn’t. Because at this moment I am still battling to stay the course. I will get jeered at by my drinking buddies because they will not believe I am serious and those three men can tease you to tears. I will also miss their company because the bonding happens over the round of whisky shots or over the discussions of joints that are selling it cheaper and are best to chill. To me it is as painful as a break up because grieving the loss of friends is so much more like having a piece of your heart torn apart voluntarily. Change is making a choice and standing by it no matter what. This one will not be easy of course and I am not an inch prepared for it, but I feel like it is time. It is about time I put a stop to meaningless financial strain and parental negligence. I will be home early every day and I will stay home unless it is very very necessary.so help me God. I am currently seriously working on rekindling the prayerful woman that I watched burn out. I have been critical of religion yes, and maybe to the extremes. But now it is time to turn around or rather turn over a new leaf! †*
A common saying, you might think. But when you actually apply it in your life it makes a whole lotta sense. My boss is Indian and he is literally the first I have interracted with so he is the one I will be formulating my prejudice from. He is loud especially when he is angry and I feel like he makes rushed, not well thought out decisions. I will be talking about today specifically because I am hurting as hell.
It is exactly 7.34PM and I am on a crowded bus headed home. I left the office at 7.00PM, walked for around 10mins to the bus stop and waited for 20 mins for all seats to be filled. I was only lucky I found it almost full. I am headed home a distance of almost 1 hr even with the drive accelerating.
At home I left my hubby with the kids because my stay-in nunny travelled home to see her sick mother. My hubby is very unwell so he expected me to get home earlier than normal so that I can help out with the kids. But I couldn’t because I had to be at the office till that late.
Despite the sacrifices one makes just to give the best, my Indian boss will never appreciate. Today particularly is not a good day for me. I got in normal time and did my morning routine: check and reply to mails, make a Social Media post then go up to the Bakery to gather content after writing a to do list. This particular day, I had been instructed to put Christmas decor in all 8 branches. However, the procurement department had not done the purchase so I had to follow up myself.
Having verified I had done everything, I accompanied my colleague to a meeting with clients to enhance my product knowledge. But it turned out to be a wrong decision which had my boss screaming at me to write a resignation letter, a statement that came after a long phonecall of heartbreaking utterances. Honestly, I was demoralised and demotivated. It made me realize how desperate I really am.
Besides that, I also realised how much it hurts to be at the mercy of someone. It took me back to the times I have shouted at my daughter when what I thought was wrong seemed right by her. At that moment I realised I didn’t even stop to think what I was doing, how much i was hurting her and how helpless she felt.
Not the turn you were expecting, but working for this guy has really taught me the power of the tone we speak with to a person not to mention the impact our words have in influencing motivation and self esteem. I vow to correct politely, not only my kids but also my employees and my juniors at work. Another day to keep grinding and learning.
I believe I am a wild, little girl seeking adventure in a very fast and seemingly hostile world. In so many occasions the world has been cruel and my eyes have wet over issues I felt were beyond my control. In all honesty they were out of my control but their effect wasnt to the magnitudes I anticipated. This caused emotional imbalance and the only way I know how to let out steam is crying.
So I started a new job in a new city, both literally and figuratively. In a world where people claim to “mind their own business” and to “care less” itnis not easy to survive when you are as soft hearted as I am. I must admit that it was pretty tough and more often than not I contemplated resigning. But what would become of my two babies who depended on me? Going home every day feeling demotivated and demoralised, the love and warmth those two provided was a great wake up call. My husband, the love of my life, was also a very strong pillar. I was on edge most of the time, too tired to even make our bed, too busy to be the helpless romantic he married; but he still understood what was at stake and that was of so much help.
Things were beginning to take shape at my workplace. I had come to an understanding (because you can’t call it friendship) with most people at the Cake House which was my office. My boss was very understanding and ready to help out. I had started to process and internalize the system.
He looked at me coldly, like the nuisance I had become. I knew my facial expression was all expressive but I wished it to remain emotionless and cold too. My heart was throbbing strongly I thought he could hear it beat against my ribcage. He was literally the only gap between me and happiness. These recent developments had really left a bad taste in my mouth. My spirit was crushed by the one man I had to face every day of my life at that workplace, My Boss.
Before you start getting ideas, nothing sinister had happened. However, my payslip looked like nothing i had expected. I had just quite a job where I had grown and learned in search for greener pastures and “exposure “. And here I was starved and thirsty right in the middle of the greener pastures. Apparently, my salary was based on the days I had actually reported to work. This meant I would face a slash of over ksh15,000, something that was omitted in the contract.
It was majorly the reason I had visited his office in the first place. I had been deducted more than 50% of my salary! The only thing that was playing in my mind was how difficult it would be to keep my two daughters fed and happy. That recent month had been such a hustle. Having spent all my salary plus credit from friends to relocate, use as bus fare ( which was a new venture) in addition to feeding my family healthily.
I might have forgotten to mention that I had been compelled by the company to purchase a very expensive phone to help me carry out my designated duties. It was to be deducted a huge chank from my salary for 4 month. I wasn’t in a position to say No, as much as I wished the company would just buy it and give me for safekeeping just like they did laptops and sales people cellphones. I had obliged, ignorant of a week’s wage deductions.
And as I sat there, directly facing the never-smiling CEO, I could barely control my tears. So many things had worked against me in that company, as everyone struggled to use me as a scapegoat for their shortcomings. Having to deal with a paycut was almost my breaking point. After dismissing me with “Nobody will pay you for the days you spent at home”, it slapped me really hard on my face. I got to my desk not just broken but shattered to small scattered pieces.
I tried collecting myself together to no avail. I ended up mourning my ksh.15000 on the noisy bus home. I was cursing in my heart, wishing him things that I really hope never happen now that I am calm.
I will try and keep up my journals as consistent as possible. But you have to promise to read.
dollycate 