Change hurts, atleast before we grow into it and get assimilated to its deepest desires. Sometimes, change feels good, mostly at the beginning just before the consequences and aftermaths start setting in. More often than not we wish to fall back to our previous behaviour or habitat, more or less a niche. It begins to feel like we are foreigners in a strange land. We begin to get homesick, except it is nostalgia for a cocoon we had long outgrown. We miss the falsehood of the camouflaged warmth that had been suffocating and limiting.
It is only when we embrace the realities of our new life, the change we chose , that we begin to see things differently and experience a newness that drinks us in and fills us with fulfilment. Until the next urge and drive to change again sets in and the cycle continues. It is no wonder they say change is inevitable. One way or the other one must outgrow an adaptation and conform to a new one. It is a cycle that is linier.
I, for one, have undergone this inevitable process and i can attest without fear of contradiction, that it hasn’t been easy. I must say I have been lucky and entirely fortunate ever since I graduated from college. I was already a mother by then and that is another change story we might encounter in this manuscript. After doing various odd jobs, that most graduate wouldn’t even consider, And unpaid internships that greatly shaped my career, I finally landed a nice job. It is a fun job since I am still in it currently. I have persued a bachelors degree in Journalism and Mass Communication and getting a job in an actual media house was scary at first then it became more fun as I got assimilated. So much change was happening and it almost drowned me. I had a consistent salary, a respectable job and my baby girl was now in the official education system, not to mention my love life!
Since I am quite inconsistent in my resolve to write, I am experiencing a great surge of words and things I want to write. I will therefore focus on the change I am anticipating at the moment. After acquiring a nice job that brought with it a new environment, new friends, freedom and a regular flow if income, I started living the kind of life that I had always envisioned should I get to such a point in my life. Having ousted myself from the teenage life and the excitement of young campus babes, I felt like I had really missed out on the partying and carefree living. That was number one in my bucket list for when I finally got a chance.
At 25, finally that “opportunity” presented itself. My daughter was already a big girl now and I could leave her at my parents’ when schools closed. It was partying and numerous road trips for me. That was yet another element of change. I had no idea what that kind of life really entailed. I only had Instagram images in my head. It was a great shock when I got to know the immorality behind the lens of the cameras that took those Instagram images. I really wasn’t ready for it, although it took me various road trips and drinking sprees to realise that life wasn’t for me.
In less than a year, I was back to the drawing board. Trying to figure out who I was, what my hobbies were and exactly what I stood for. Usually, we fail to realize just how much influence in structuring our thoughts and behaviour, the people we hang out with have. During that short-lived period of throwing myself out there, various unseen changes had been happening to me unconsciously. I unlearned and learned things simultaneously. The challenge is I had absolutely no control over whether or not these changes would affect me positively or negatively. For one, they made me have a little less respect for marriage. I also developed a critical mindset on the aspect of the existence of true love.
Those experiences also, made me like the noise and hullabaloo that came with having drinking buddies. And that ushered in the cocoon that I am currently struggling to get out of. After securing a job and acquiring new friends who have absolutely no idea about your past not to mention your personality, you get a brand new chance of restructuring yourself. We got to know each other over time and established whose vibe sits well with your company. And finally the lines were drawn with almost everyone falling in line as though the sorting of personality traits was physical. I also fell in line with the circle I felt I belonged to.
At the beginning, we were just having fun and keeping busy. Then we started calling it drinking away the stress on weekends and within no time we were regulars at a joint at any random day of the week. We moved swiftly, almost unnoticeably, from friends to drinking buddies. We took turns to buy the drinks. By then I had a baby because I had a small baby and also because I could afford it. (Previously, when in college, I used to take my firstborn baby to a daycare. So that meant I had to be home early and on weekends for the household chores). Having a househelp on the other hand meant i could stay out late and also that I could go out on weekends.
This new change caused a major earthquake in my bank account and a chronic absenteeism as a parent. My spouse (we are not officially married yet and I usually have a problem with finding the right word to refer to him) was barely there and I was functioning as a single mum who had a husband abroad. He was still in the country just that logistics didn’t allow him to be there. That meant the kids were mostly under the care of the nanny since whenever I wasn’t at work, I was out with the boys. I like hanging out eith men because somehow I end up falling out with my girlfriends, I must be the problem.
It became a norm to come home drunk. We used to look for reasons to go drinking. Sometimes we used to go get the boys a shave then end up drinking just because we have set eyes on our joint and there was absolutely no way we could ignore that. It was awesome at the beginning, but with time it started taking a toll on me. I had no time for prayer and that meant I had no time for self reflection. My soul was slipping away and leaving a void full of echoes, uncertainty and self loath. I was missing out on my daughters growth and I was most definitely overstretching the duties of the nanny. It got worse when I even went out till late while my Man stayed in to look after the babies. He was pissed about it of course especially having to watch me staggering while holding our 8-month-old baby during the wee hours of the night.
His speech the following morning was like my wakening call. He had called me out definitely and it made me realize just how much my choices would affect us as a family. As I said, change is uncomfortable and it hurts. My decision to conform wasn’t easy. It still isn’t. Because at this moment I am still battling to stay the course. I will get jeered at by my drinking buddies because they will not believe I am serious and those three men can tease you to tears. I will also miss their company because the bonding happens over the round of whisky shots or over the discussions of joints that are selling it cheaper and are best to chill. To me it is as painful as a break up because grieving the loss of friends is so much more like having a piece of your heart torn apart voluntarily.
Change is making a choice and standing by it no matter what. This one will not be easy of course and I am not an inch prepared for it, but I feel like it is time. It is about time I put a stop to meaningless financial strain and parental negligence. I will be home early every day and I will stay home unless it is very very necessary.so help me God.
I am currently seriously working on rekindling the prayerful woman that I watched burn out. I have been critical of religion yes, and maybe to the extremes. But now it is time to turn around or rather turn over a new leaf!
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dollycate 